Introduction to Film/Transcript
Episode transcript Cold open Cold open, Scene 1 Jeff: Hey, man. My name is Jeff. I'm trying to lock down the rest of my schedule before the deadline. I heard this class was a cakewalk. Are you passing it? Do you like Dane Cook? Student: Yeah, he's awesome. Jeff: So far so good. Professor Eustice Whitman: Death, so called, is a thing that makes men weep...and yet a third of life is spent in sleep. Open your text books to page 37. Now close them and throw them away. Throw it away! Ha-ha-ha. Throw it away! For those who are new, the motto of this class, carpe diem, seize the day, no tests, no papers. You want an A? Live...in...the moment. Jeff: Jackpot. Professor Eustice Whitman: Take off your shoes. Quick, take off your shoes. Everyone, take your shoes off, throw them away. Throw them across the room over there. Today we learn to walk, get up and walk out the door. This day could be your last. You could die in your sleep. You could get hit by a bus. You, that mole is raised and dark, it's not a good combo. You are new. Jeff Winger: Yes, I'm new, but I'll be old too soon. Carpe diem, sir, carpe diem. Professor Eustice Whitman: I like it! Cold open, Scene 2 Pierce Hawthorne: Voice command. Voice command. Voice command. Voice command. Voice command. Voice comm... Britta: Would you please use the buttons? Pierce: Okay, grandpa. Troy Barnes: Achoo! Shirley Bennett: Oh! God bless you...dear. Troy: What's so funny? Jeff: You guys, I found it. The ultimate blow-off class. Professor Whitman, he thinks he's in Dead Poets Society. There's no tests, there's no work, it's just day seizing. The deadline to enroll is tomorrow. I suggest you all do it. Britta: Well, some of us are here to actually learn things. Troy: I'm in. Annie: Me too, it sounds educational. Shirley: I'll do it, I love Robin Williams. Jeff: Abed? Abed: Not a fan. In every movie, there's an authority figure that gets mad at him for making people laugh. Jeff: No, are you going to take the class? Abed: Oh, I can't. My dad will only pay for classes that will help me run the family restaurant. It's been struggling since 2001, 9/11 was pretty much the 9/11 of the falafel business. Britta: So your dad has your whole life planned out for you? Are you even interested in falafel? Abed: I'm interested in making movies but my Dad says all media's western propaganda that negatively stereotypes Arabs. Troy: You should see Aladdin, Jafar was a badass. Shirley: Yes, he was. Abed: Yeah. Shirley: He was. Britta: Abed, how much does a film class cost? Abed: Seventy dollars. (Britta takes out her checkbook and starts to fill out a check.) Jeff: Britta? Britta: Jeff? Jeff: Britta. Shirley: Isn't Abed's dad a hardcore Muslim? They're not as understanding as Christians. You could get your head cut off with a salami sword. Annie: Shirley! That's the most racist thing I've ever heard. Jeff: Pierce will beat that in one minute. (Britta hands Abed a check.) Abed: This is really nice of you. The memo says, "For dreams." Annie and Shirley: Aw. Jeff: You guys, are we going to study Spanish, or keep getting involved in each other's personal lives? Troy: Achoo! Jeff: Hey, Troy sneezes like a girl! Troy: How about I pound you like a boy? That didn't come out right. Shirley: Why don't you leave him alone with his cute baby sneezes. Troy: You're not my mother. Pierce: She's not? Jeff: Twenty-nine seconds. Act 1 Act 1, Scene 1 Professor Eustice Whitman:What's your name? Shirley:My name is Shirley Bennett. Professor Eustice Whitman: Shirley, you get an A... Shirley: Oh. Professor Eustice Whitman: ...if you can tell me why you are here at Greendale. Jeff: (To Troy) What did I tell you? (Troy offers a fist bump to Jeff.) Jeff: Okay, but, uh, never again. Professor Eustice Whitman: Shirley? Shirley: To get a degree in business so I can sell my baked goods and whatnot on the Internet. Professor Eustice Whitman: Why...are you here? Professor Eustice Whitman: To get a degree in business so I can sell my baked goods and whatnot on the Internet. Professor Eustice Whitman: Why are you here?! Shirley: Because I wasted 15 years of my life on a man who left me with nothing but stretch marks and a foggy memory of two bland orgasms. And now it's time to get what's mine. Professor Eustice Whitman: Day seized. Only when we stop stopping our lives can we begin to start starting them. Miss Edison here, for example, would rather write what happens to other people than live what is happening to her. Annie: I thought there might be a quiz. Professor Eustice Whitman: Well, here's a quiz for you. Why did the pretty young girl die alone, surrounded by sweater-wearing cats who were trained to use human toilets? Get up on your desk. Come on, stand on your desk. Up on your desk. Professor Eustice Whitman: She made it. Ha-ha. Everyone, stand on your desks. Up, up, up. Come on. Rise, rise, rise above the programming. All your lives you were told don't stand on your desk. Well, why not? (A female student’s desk collapses under her weight and she falls to the floor.) She's okay, go to the nurse, seize the day. Pierce: (To Shirley) You know, I was very moved by your honesty earlier. Particularly the part about, uh, your husband not being... Professor Eustice Whitman: Your homework. I want you to swim in a lake and tell 10 people that you love them. Mr. Winger, may I have a word, please? Annie: (To injured female student) Are you okay? Oh. Injured female student: Oh, maybe, I'm not. Professor Eustice Whitman: Hi, Mr. Winger, I like to think that every life that passes through this class is changed. But every year, there's always one cocky opportunist who's just here to coast and grab an easy A. Jeff: Oh, yeah. His name is Pierce, I can talk to him for you. Professor Eustice Whitman: It's actually you, Mr. Winger. You have no intention of seizing the day. Jeff: What? Listen, I have never lived until I met you. I love you. There's one down, nine to go. Not that I need the grade or even want it. Professor Eustice Whitman: Well, glad to hear it, because if you don't genuinely seize the day before the end of the week, then you will be seizing an F for the semester. Jeff: This is no way to teach accounting! Act 1, Scene 2 Jeff: I have to plan in advance how to prove that I live in the moment. I'd rather take an actual class, but now it's too late to drop or add. Britta: It is not fair how hard it is for you to cheat here. Hah! Hey, how's it going? How's your film class, buddy? Abed: It's cool. Our first assignment is a documentary. They're like real movies but with ugly people. I'm learning a lot. Britta: That is so wonderful. Some people don't like getting involved in others' lives. I think it's great. Jeff: Hey, if you're making a documentary about Britta patting herself on the back, you're gonna need a backup battery. Abed: Actually, I'm doing a movie about my dad. Britta: That is brilliant. How did he react to you signing up for the film class? Abed: That part hasn't happened yet. Here he comes. Gobi Nadir: Hey, you want to get involved in my family's business? Jeff: Holy war. Gobi Nadir: Where do I find Mr. Britta? Britta: I'm Mr. Britta. That's right, I'm a woman with rights and you can see my whole face. Gobi: Oh. I get it, because I'm Arab I must hate women. Let me tell you something. I love women. But I'm getting a major B-word vibe from you. Jeff: Ow, I can't believe I missed out on getting involved in this. Gobi: You go host American Idol, and you stop messing with my son. He is a special boy. I raise him. You don't. Britta: Raising him means letting him follow dreams. Gobi: Dreams are for sleeping. Britta: You don't know that! Gobi: It's clinically proven! Britta: So is polio. Gobi: You lost me! Britta: Abed wants to study film. Gobi: (Speaks Arabic to Abed) Britta: What's he saying? Abed: He says we're leaving. Britta: Tell him you wanna stay and study film. Abed: I don't think I'm really in the scene. Gobi: See? It's hard to talk to him before, now we have this between us! Let's go. (Gobi tries to grab Abed and Britta physically intervenes.) Britta: Hey! Hey! Gobi: Don’t touch me! You - You don't touch me! Jeff: Stop! Stop! Sir, you have a right to your faith and your family's privacy but Abed is an adult and a U.S. citizen. (Turns to Abed) Right? Abed: Yeah. Jeff: ...and he has the right to stay. Gobi: Fine. You want to raise him? You raise him, I'm out. Jeff: Wait, what? Britta: You know, I had a father like you. And the day I finally cut myself loose is the day I finally started being happy. Jeff: That went well. Abed: I have to make some adjustments to my film. Jeff, I think you should play the role of my father. Jeff: I don't want to be your father. Abed: It's perfect, you already know your lines. Act 2 Act 2, Scene 1 Britta: Why are you dressed like an '80s rapist? Jeff: Professor Whitman comes by here every morning and I need him to see me celebrating life. What's all that? Britta: I am calculating Abed's expenses. You know, there's books, there's meals, he's renting that camera. He needs a little spending money. Jeff: Um...All money is spending money. Shirley: Oh. Um, Britta, it's amazing what you're doing for Abed. I mean a lot of people talk a good game, but you, you follow through. I love you. Britta: Shirley, thank you. Bet that doesn't happen to you a lot. Jeff: It happened yesterday. Shirley's just doing her homework. Shirley: Hillary, thank you for getting people coffee. I love you. Britta: Abed, how's it going, buddy? Good, my film is coming together. Abed: Cool tie, Jeff, are you wearing that because you're playing the role of my dad, or is it really Christmas? Jeff: Definitely Christmas. Britta: Is that a new camera? Abed: Yeah. It's more expensive but it lets me adjust really specific settings that most people don't notice or think about. (To Hilary the coffee barista) Hi, I would like a latte, and Jeff, let me get you something. Jeff: I'm okay. Abed: Oh, come on, I got you. Abed: No, really, I don't need anything No, really. You're insulting me. Look at all this cash. Jeff: Okay. I will get a small, black coffee. Professor Whitman: Boo. An ordinary coffee for an ordinary life. Jeff: Go-o-o-o-o-d morning, Professor Whitman. Abed: Sorry, Mr. Winger... (Grabs Jeff’s suspenders.) ...these won't cut it. Jeff: Shazbat. Professor Whitman: (To Hilary) I shall have...A birthday cake! Act 2, Scene 2 Pierce: I've seen men in your situation, Troy. (Troy tries to grab one of Pierces soda cans.) No, those are both for me. You were on top of the world before and now no one gives a rat's ass. I can help you with your image. First, I'd lose the jacket, you look like a high school bitch. But more importantly, it's your sneeze. When I was a CEO, I had an array of masculine sneezes that asserted dominance. Like the explosive shock-the-room-into-silence sneeze. Or, the draw them in sneeze, you know. (Sneezes loudly.) You know, maybe I wouldn't sneeze, because I'm in control. (Pretends like he’s going to sneeze.) You can even use a sneeze to drive home a point. Like, I think the Cubs are gonna win it all this year. (Sneezes as an exclamation point to his comment.) What do you think? Troy: Tell me more. Act 2, Scene 3 (Jeff is hiding in the bushes watching Professor Whitman walking around campus. He then runs out flying a kite.) Jeff: It's show time. Hey, everybody, good morning. Good morning, sir. Good morning, Greendale. Hi, good morning. Watch the kite. Uh-oh. (Jeff drops the kite and approaches several girls playing double Dutch.) Mind if I get a chance? (Jeff jumps rope until his feet get caught.) Oh! Thanks, you guys, bring it in here. Nice. Thank you so much, you guys, that was really fun. (Jeff turns to Professor Whitman who’s been watching him.) Professor Whitman: Sloppy..and considering the age of these girls, unwittingly creepy. Jeff: Damn it! (Pays the girls cash.) Beat it. Professor. Will you look at the amount of work that I'm putting into this? I mean, throw me a bone. Professor Whitman: Had I not already cried at the sunrise this morning, I would be weeping right now. Jeff: What does that mean?! Professor Whitman: What do you mean, Jeff?! What does your life mean?! How long does it take you in the morning to make it look like you have bed-head? How many sweatpants- sports jacket combos did you try before you found the one that said, "I don't care?" Seize the day, Jeff. For real. Go running naked in a hail storm. Kiss a girl in the middle of the day. Fly a kite, but do it for yourself. Or you won't just fail my class, you'll fail life. (Britta shows up and Whitman hands her a flower before leaving.) Britta: Thank you. That guy's really got your number. Jeff: Drop the flower. Abed: I need to talk to you about Abed. I went by his film class today, he wasn't there, he's cutting. I wanna know why he would do something like that. Jeff: Ask him. Britta: Every time I try to ask him about it, he just keeps filming me and telling me that I'm playing the role of his mother. Jeff: Abed is not normal! That's what you bought when you intentionally tangled yourself in his life! Britta: Look, will you just Will you please talk to him? Jeff: I've got problems of my own! I'm out here trying to seize a day! (Both Jeff and Britta notice Abed is filming them from afar.) Jeff: What in the hell? Is he gonna kill us? Act 2, Scene 3 Troy: Thanks for the pizza, Abed, I was starving. Shirley: Yeah, it's nice, like a picnic. Pierce: Or a family dinner. Jeff: It's a study group and a pizza, let's not get carried away. Britta: So, Abed. How's film class? Abed: Good. Jeff: Yeah? Did you go to class today? Abed: Not really. Jeff: Not really? Well, Britta's paying for those classes, don't you think maybe you should go? Abed: I was shooting my movie. Britta: Your movie is for class. Abed: My movie's more important. Britta: Well la-de-da. Stoner friend: Someone order seven lattes? Abed: I got that. Britta: No, You don't got it. I got it, Abed. I got everything. What is wrong with you, all I want to do is take care of you. I know you're not stupid, are you doing this on purpose? Why won't you answer me? Abed: This is the scene where you leave. Britta: You better believe it. Jeff: Britta. Abed: What do you think, Dad? Jeff: I think you are really weird, Abed. And I think the wrong person just left. Abed: Perfect. That's a wrap. Stoner friend: That guy was your dad? Act 3 Act 3, Scene 1 (Jeff is sitting on the study table waiting for his invited guests to arrive while Abed is working on his laptop.) Jeff: Hey. Britta: Hey. You don't really have tickets for Ravi Shankar, do you? Jeff: I lied to get you here because it's time to communicate. Britta: Communicate? Have you met Abed? Jeff: It's not the two of you that need to talk. Gobi: Hey, wait a minute, where's Weezer? Jeff: They're coming. Gobi: All right. Jeff: Now, the only reason why this whole mess got started is because both of you wanted the best for Abed. And I think the lesson we can all take away from this is that everyone should always do whatever they want, and leave each other out of it. Gobi: Is that your take? Let me give you mine. You and your pillow-lipped girlfriend got all up in my stuff because you wanted to be cowboys, and then you turned chicken when you found out it would take more than speeches and guided missiles. Jeff: Interesting, I hadn't seen the Iraq metaphor. Gobi: What Iraq metaphor? I'm talking about your speeches and her guided... Jeff: Got it. The point is, is that Britta is sorry, right? Britta: Wrong. Jeff: Crap. Britta: Abed may not be a great filmmaker but that doesn't mean that he wants to make falafel. You need to let him make his own decisions. Gobi: Make his own decisions? Have you met Abed? You know who he is? You have no idea... Jeff: Guys...Guys! Britta: You're stupid. Abed: I'm finished! (Abed indicates to his father and friends he wants them to sit down.) Abed: Britta, Jeff, Dad. (Gobi is reluctant.) Dad. (Once Gobi is seated Abed plays them the short film he just finished on his laptop. It features footage he’s been recording over the last few days.) '' Britta: How's it going, buddy?'' '' Jeff: I don't want to be your father.'' '' Jeff: I think you are weird, Abed.'' '' Britta: Hey, look. I need to talk to you about Abed.'' '' Jeff: He's not normal.'' '' Britta: What is wrong with you?! All I want to do is take care of you,'' '' Britta: Why will you not answer me?!'' '' Abed: What do you think, dad?'' '' Jeff: I think you are weird, Abed. And I think the wrong person just left.'' (The movie ends.) Jeff: It's not exactly Citizen Kane. (Gobi starts to cry. He talks to his son in Farsi.) Gobi: (Subtitled) I never said I blamed you for her leaving. Abed: (Subtitled) You never had to say it. Britta: I feel a little out of the loop here. Jeff: That feeling is called the joy of freedom. Gobi: My son is hard to understand. If making movies help him be understood, then I pay for the class...with falafel as a fallback. Britta: Abed. Abed: Yeah? Britta: Did you do all of that to me on purpose? That's not a very nice way to treat your friends. Abed: Well, Britta, it isn't called friend business, it's called show business. Britta: He's smoking. Jeff: Honey, let him leave the nest. Britta: Get your hand off of my knee. Act 3, Scene 2 (Pierce and Troy are walking behind Shirley when Troy pretends to sneeze loudly.) Shirley: God - God bless you. God bless you. Troy: Thank you. Act 3, Scene 3 Britta: For someone who doesn't like getting involved, well, I owe you. Jeff: You owe me? That can not be comfortable for you. Britta: Hey, um, you should kiss me right now. (Jeff and Britta kiss outside the entrance to the library. When they pull apart Professor Whitman is shown to be watching them.) Professor Whitman: Day seized! Britta: We're even. Professor Whitman: Ha-ha-ha! A plus, Winger! I know a life-changing kiss when I see one. Woowee! (Whitman runs off and starts climbing a nearby tree.) Jeff: Yeah...fooled you. End tag Abed: Am I krumping? (Abed starts dancing manically.) Troy: No. Abed: Am I krumping? Am I krumping? (Abed continues to dance manically.) Troy: No. No. Abed: Am I krumping now? (Abed dances more manically.) Troy: No. This is krumping. (Troy starts krumping alongside Abed when Jeff walks in.) Troy: We - We're krumping. Jeff: No, you're not. (Jeff, Abed and Troy start dancing manically.) Category:Transcripts Category:Season 1 Transcripts